A Declaration

On my walk home from the gym tonight, I pleasantly bopped around to the beats in my iPod while embracing the soft cool winds of the early fall evening. I began walking in step to the rhythms and started to get into the lyrics that were surrounding me. I had done something out of the ordinary today; I had put my iPod on 'Random Shuffle'. I don't usually do this as I like to create my own playlists and set them to whatever activity it is that I would be implementing when listening (neurotic, I know).

As I moved along, trekking past green lights, walk signs and oncoming pedestrians, a lovely jazz melody filtered through my ears and down through my body. "Autumn in New York..." sang the infamous Ella in that crystal clear, devastatingly distinct voice of hers. "...Brings the promise of new lovvve. Autumn in New York....Is often mingled with painnn."

It was one year ago that I knew. Knew for real, and for good...that things were about to change. And change drastically. It was a year ago that I was so saddened by the thought of all these changes, that I had done everything within my power to keep these alterations in my life from occurring. But it was inevitable, and deep down I knw that. Today I understand these fated adjustments. But although I tell myself that they had to transpire, I still, in the back of my mind, in the corner of my heart, had hoped as these past months had gone by, that sooner or later a day would come where the familiarities of the past would somehow creep in...and would be embraced.

That is when it hit me. For the past year I have been spinning my wheels, stuck in a rut of confusion, wondering if the decision I had made, 'to let go', was correct. And although I knew in my gut it was, I was still holding on. Holding on to the possibility that maybe, just maybe....I was wrong. This is in my nature, to doubt myself and my abilities...A trait I loath and long to change.

It is as though this past year, with every baby step I would take forward, I would be illicitly peeking over my shoulder, cautious to plant a firm foot. If I ever dared to leap, it would be with eyes shut tight and a safety net in place beneath me, so there would be no danger of falling down.

It was then and there that I deemed my assertion. A declaration to myself... For myself. It was time to be set free from the past. No more meditations, reflections or speculations. I had analyzed my choices to dust; learned all I could learn. It was time for me to keep my eyes open forward and no more looking back... It was this day and onward. It's time for this, I thought to myself. I need to let go.

Sighting the walk sign on the corner ahead of me, I leapt with full force onto 3rd Avenue. Without so much as a glance behind to watch for a turning car, I skipped across. In the invigorating crisp breeze, I sang along to the words...

"Autumn in New York...brings the promise of new love..."