Pumpkin Spice

Today around 2pm, I had my normal afternoon slump and decided to get outside for some fresh air. As I pushed open the double wooden doors onto West Broadway, a cool, crisp wave of air rushed towards me. "MMmmmm, fall!" I thought to myself. Perfect weather; highly suitable temperatures for walking down Soho streets in the cutest of fashions: Layer upon layer, color upon color, texture upon texture, and no chance of overheating as I book it in high gear towards my desired destination.

On this particular day, my destination happened to be Starbucks on Spring Street, across the street from Balthazar. Not normally a Starbucks advocate (especially in the summer season), I was strangely in the mood for a fat free latte...possibley sugar free carmel or vanilla. "Calcium = Fabulous." I realized...I am not normally a milk drinker of any kind, so a bit of the warm steamy substance would only do my body and bones some healthy goodness.

As I made my way down the road towards the bold, green, globally-generic sign I tried to think of all the reasons why I loved this new season now upon us. The cool autumn wind, the faint subtle smell of a wood-burning stove (even in New York City), the spectacular sights of the fall folliage in Central Park, with a range of radiant colors stretched out over natures landscape, and finally, one can't forget fall football. Yes, there was definitely a sense of comfort during these upcoming months. And I only hoped to myself that these feelings of comfort I've felt in years past, would continue to be present...with me on my own...fending for myself...single in the city. But I quickly realized the obsurdity in such thoughts, and it was easy for me to quickly push them away and reassure myself that this feeling of happiness that fall has already begun to bring me would only grow stronger.

Upon entering Starbucks I noted right away, the Pumpkin Spice latte featured on their "Specials" board. That was it..."Sold!" I thought. It just so happens that my two favorite drinks at Starbucks happen to be the Gingerbread Latte at Christmas time and the Pumpkin Spice for fall. Taking the first sip was like greeting an old friend. Someone you know incredibley well, but haven't caught up with in ages, and are acheing to do so. Warmth came over my body and spices lingered on the tip of my tongue. And then, an interesting thing happened... I went back.

Back in time to 2 years past. I was commuting from Bedford, taking the Metro North Harlem line into Grand Central every morning and vice versa ever night. The city was new, fresh, uncharted and arrousing to my every senses. I stopped at the Starbucks in Grand Central often then, having a cup to carry with me on my morning commute. Flashes of imagery flew before me: the immense seafoam green ceiling, the rush of commuters I would breeze past, the stop light at which I waited before crossing the street to make my trek down Park Avenue to my office on 38th St. The family I was among and felt apart of...the boyfriend I was in love with and saw frequently...the weekend drives home to visit my own family on Long Island...All of these things flashed through my mind.

That is when I felt it: An ache in my chest, slowly digging deeper and deeper. The yearning to go back to those days...For the city to still offer that same spark (not that the feeling is utterly lost, but the novelty does begin to wear), for the warm smiles I would greet every evening after a long day to suddenly appear and embrace me, for the boyfriend that gave me such companionship and happiness to once again be holding my hand, and for my car which represented my freedom to be at my beck and call for escape.

And so I sat at my empty table in Starbucks... Remembering...Sipping... Evaluating... So many changes have taken place in my life over the past few years. It has almost seemed like a whirlwind compared to the years before post-graduation, when changes were not nearly as monumental in comparison. But as I sat and pondered, I caught myself. It is very easy while remembering, to allow Change to sadden you. Make you crave the familiarity of the past. But then I realized how many of these changes I have inflicted on my life due to my own desires and free will. I was always in charge... Treking along on my journey and making the choices for myself. Figuring this out in my moment of clarity, it wasn't Sadness I was feeling any more... It was Pride. Pride from looking back and seeing such drastic changes and knowing that it all came down to one person. Whether decisions were right or wrong, conscious or subconscious they were my own...

While walking out of the bustling Starbucks and back into the invigorating sunshine, I let out a little laugh. Autumn is here again, and I am happy... All it took to see this, was a sip of Pumpkin Spice.