Sparks
So I know I'm not posting much these days... I think my goal for the summer is post at least once a week. Anyway, it is official. 4LC moves to NYC mid-June. My mind is in shambles.
I have absolutely no idea what think of the situation. I mean, I know this was nothing he planned or set up... It is just a random twist of fate, something you'd witness while watching 'Serendipity' or 'When Harry Met Sally', or maybe even a cheesey episode of 'Dawson's Creek'. But its real and its happening... in just a few short weeks.
I was speaking to M.Roy the other day and asked her: how can someone feel absolutely NO emotion what-so-ever for a situation that should hit me so hard? How can I be so utterly indifferent and detached right now about this?
When I speak to 4LC its like there are no more words to say... Nothing left of me to offer up. I'm entirely happy for him and the success he's found over the past year and a half of our seperate existances... But how in the hell can I feel so completely immune to someone that used to spark such fireworks in my heart?
Some days I wonder if I am really human.
This past weekend I was a bridesmaid in one of my friend's wedding. I looked at the happy couple with such envy and rapture and amazement. Its not often I witness such love between two people and I felt no shame eyeing their every thoughtful gaze at one and other. It was breathtaking and foreign to me at once.
It made me wonder... It made me question... It made me yearn...
I have absolutely no idea what think of the situation. I mean, I know this was nothing he planned or set up... It is just a random twist of fate, something you'd witness while watching 'Serendipity' or 'When Harry Met Sally', or maybe even a cheesey episode of 'Dawson's Creek'. But its real and its happening... in just a few short weeks.
I was speaking to M.Roy the other day and asked her: how can someone feel absolutely NO emotion what-so-ever for a situation that should hit me so hard? How can I be so utterly indifferent and detached right now about this?
When I speak to 4LC its like there are no more words to say... Nothing left of me to offer up. I'm entirely happy for him and the success he's found over the past year and a half of our seperate existances... But how in the hell can I feel so completely immune to someone that used to spark such fireworks in my heart?
Some days I wonder if I am really human.
This past weekend I was a bridesmaid in one of my friend's wedding. I looked at the happy couple with such envy and rapture and amazement. Its not often I witness such love between two people and I felt no shame eyeing their every thoughtful gaze at one and other. It was breathtaking and foreign to me at once.
It made me wonder... It made me question... It made me yearn...
posted by alannajoy at 9:09 PM
6 Comments:
as opposed to that non-cheesy episode of dawson's creek? jokes, i've never watched that show, and i'll stand by that comment until i die.
as for those feelings (or lack thereof, kinda), i'd think you weren't human, if you DIDN'T feel this way. 4LC is chapter 2 in the alannaland story. you're writing chapter 10 now.
Ahh...the wedding yearning. I suppose I can feel you on that one since this summer and the coming one almost all of my close freinds will tie the knot...
It is altogether possible that you have outgrown your desire for this guy. Perhaps you have moved past this phase in the time you were seperated. What used to make your heart flutter now merely makes your heart miss a beat.
I've had the oppportunity to watch a number of weddings recently and I have one question for you. As you yearn for that something which you say to be the epitomy of rapture, breathtaking and foreign, is it because of a cetain clock within you or because you are romanticizing this traditional insititution?
I'm not denying that you may desire to be married at some point, but to me, it seems at odds with your relatively independant nature.
It's never easy when someone leaves.
I hate that feeling.
sometimes, when i feel really strongly or intense about something, i am numb to it. it's almost like it's too much for me to go through the emotions.
maybe it's true for you?
or it's what grant said... you've grown out of it.
but whatever the case is - it doesn't make you insensitive. i think we all know that is the furthest from the truth. :)
Alanna - sometimes I wonder if we're the same person! Seriously. I recently thought the same thing about myself (am I human??) when I felt absolutely nothing regarding a situation that should have made my heart break. And it seems more and more I'm feeling less and less. This can't be good. Maybe we're saving up for when we finally meet the right person -- hopefully then we will feel fireworks!
Post a Comment
<< Home