Regaining the Strength...
So I know I've been MIA recently... I don't know why, but for some reason it's been impossible for me to finish a post... End a train of thought... Put a period at the end of a sentence...
This will be about my fifth attempt in the past two weeks to write something worth reading... or at least write something worth posting... At least.
I got a call yesterday from 4LC. I haven't heard from him in a while, not that I've contacted him lately either. He told me that this time it was true. He was coming to the city for two days this week for interviews at new firms.
He has spoken these words to me before. Told me a few times in the past year and six months that he was coming back to New York. That he would be leaving the confines of the north-north east to brave the big metropolis and come into contact with familiar stomping grounds, old feelings... his past... Me.
And each time I believed him, having mixed feelings and anticipating his arrival. Trying to figure out what it would be like to see him again and witness what was to be my true emotions when coming into his contact.
I've felt as though everything is so up in the air, that it could only take a meeting to help decifer what it is I am truly experiencing where he is concerned... That if I saw him just one more time, I would have the answer.
Yet each time that I heard that he was coming into town, I would muster up the courage and preparation only to find that it was mostly musings, and not concrete plans to be counted on at all. It began to only remind me of past feelings of disdain, and it soon became easy for me to brush it all aside and regain focus on the happenings back in my current world, here in Manhattan.
But this time he sounded different. Like the wheels were already in motion for him to not only visit New York this week, but that he would be coming back... Returning. Living. Here. Again.
After getting off the phone with him I began to think long and hard about this, and how it could affect my life if he were to return. Surprisingly, this was not anything I had ever considered before... That he would ever return to the place that had once left him shaken, empty and so unsure. Truthfully, when I think about it, it now begins to make perfect sense.
When I find a weakness within myself, I do all that I can to combat it, in full force until it becomes a strength. Why not, then, would 4LC not want to come back and prove his worth, a million times over, and show this city what he's really made of. Find his comfort zone in a place that once shook him to the core and challenged his every fiber. That is, if he's not just once again musing of such intentions.
Am I intending for these writings to be a challenge? Honestly no, I never intended my words to come off that way... I am merely rambling... My thoughts placed out before me... For something to read... And maybe, here or there, a few finished sentences.
This will be about my fifth attempt in the past two weeks to write something worth reading... or at least write something worth posting... At least.
I got a call yesterday from 4LC. I haven't heard from him in a while, not that I've contacted him lately either. He told me that this time it was true. He was coming to the city for two days this week for interviews at new firms.
He has spoken these words to me before. Told me a few times in the past year and six months that he was coming back to New York. That he would be leaving the confines of the north-north east to brave the big metropolis and come into contact with familiar stomping grounds, old feelings... his past... Me.
And each time I believed him, having mixed feelings and anticipating his arrival. Trying to figure out what it would be like to see him again and witness what was to be my true emotions when coming into his contact.
I've felt as though everything is so up in the air, that it could only take a meeting to help decifer what it is I am truly experiencing where he is concerned... That if I saw him just one more time, I would have the answer.
Yet each time that I heard that he was coming into town, I would muster up the courage and preparation only to find that it was mostly musings, and not concrete plans to be counted on at all. It began to only remind me of past feelings of disdain, and it soon became easy for me to brush it all aside and regain focus on the happenings back in my current world, here in Manhattan.
But this time he sounded different. Like the wheels were already in motion for him to not only visit New York this week, but that he would be coming back... Returning. Living. Here. Again.
After getting off the phone with him I began to think long and hard about this, and how it could affect my life if he were to return. Surprisingly, this was not anything I had ever considered before... That he would ever return to the place that had once left him shaken, empty and so unsure. Truthfully, when I think about it, it now begins to make perfect sense.
When I find a weakness within myself, I do all that I can to combat it, in full force until it becomes a strength. Why not, then, would 4LC not want to come back and prove his worth, a million times over, and show this city what he's really made of. Find his comfort zone in a place that once shook him to the core and challenged his every fiber. That is, if he's not just once again musing of such intentions.
Am I intending for these writings to be a challenge? Honestly no, I never intended my words to come off that way... I am merely rambling... My thoughts placed out before me... For something to read... And maybe, here or there, a few finished sentences.
posted by alannajoy at 8:36 PM
3 Comments:
I definitely understand what you're saying about difficulty posting. I hit that snag all the time. Look how long it's been since I've written a chapter of my story - months!!! Sometimes it's just easier for me to post a joke...just something for everyone to read, even though I have a million thoughts and emotions churning away - it's just too much some days.
I hope that "his" return gives you all the answers you are looking for. You deserve some peace of mind....don't we all????
I was beginning to think we'd have to report you as missing to the authorities. It's good to see you back, even if you're just putting your thoughts into writing. (Not quite sure who this guy is, but it seems he has a special place within you.)
I'm sure every person who has a blog has those moments when they don't think they have anything to write. I find it best to write what I am thinking of, no matter how silly or out of this world it may sound to me, save it as a draft and come back to it at some other time. By the time I return to it, I can usually come up with some way to refine it and make it worthy of posting.
Or you could just post about what's going on in your life right now. Inquiring minds want to know. ;)
4lc? bff? ldd? how can we keep track?
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