Certainty?

So here I lay, propped up with an ice pack on my back, pillow under my thighs with a look of panic and pain across my shimmering face. Boy have I really overdone it this time. Along with my new ambitions for spring come a new energetic attitude... a new me! Well, at least that was my attitude a day or so ago. Now I'm laying here in the aftermath, paying for those extra 5.5 miles and ab-tastic marathons I thought I could so quickly shove my meager little inept body into.

And as I lay, with nothing much to do but scan a book so large it makes me want to hurl it out the window and write my own plot, I begin to wander... day dream.

A friend asked me today, "A.Joy, don't you ever wonder what it would be like if you had ended up somewhere else? Not that you've 'ended up' anywhere, I mean we are only 26 years old and have so much ahead of us, but don't you wonder what it would be like, what YOU'D be like, if you had picked a different place to live? Settled after college in a completely new place? Where you'd be in your career, friends, life, etc.?"

This question got me thinking... "No M-Roy. I never think that. For me, this is my clean slate. This is where I was always meant to be. This place is mine, and there is nowhere else I'd rather be." It was one of the only things I've ever said with conviction and certainty and meaning.

4LC was in town yesterday. I was right not to take his plans too seriously last week. He came Sunday but didn't make it into Manhattan until yesterday... and only stayed long enough for a quick glance at the Empire State before heading back home. We didn't see eachother.

Not that I'm complaining... It would have been rushed, and awkward, and I wouldn't have wanted it that way. That is not the way I have it playing out in my head, although part of the reason that I'd even want to see him again is to see what would happen... How I'd/he'd feel. But anyway, he let me know that he thinks it's in the bag. He believes he will be back, soon, and for a more permanent amount of time.

I'm not going to lie here... It freaks me out. I've never thought of him coming back to the place that I call my own so certainly and have it now mean that it is his too. I've never pictured him residing in the same city and walking the same crowded streets, breathing the same urban air under such drasticly changed circumstances. It had just never crossed my mind that I'd have to share it all again...

It's funny how life throws you off course... I thought I had it figured out. Had ME figured out... Had my place and my world sorted. I guess that even when you think you can be so certain, so sure, there is always a chance that you will wind up puzzled, outlook hazy... and a stabbing pain right in your back!